Thursday, January 29, 2009
STOP! step away from the baby clothes!
okay- dh and i tried for a year before we got preggo with m/c and in that time everytime i would get down i would let myself wander into the baby section of the store and by something for my future baby. Well, we were at Meijer tonight and i was SUPPOSED to be shopping for my friend whose baby shower was last week and i came across the sweetest little duck outfit that i wanted so bad, but i couldn't bring myself to buy it. I mean, it was $5, but I have 2 drawers full of baby stuff and still no baby to wear it. everyone tells me that I'm jinxing myself but i always figure that I can find someone to give it to if I never get to have one. This time I put it down and was able to say it's not really the outfit that I want but what goes in it and i realized that even if dh and i got pregnant in March, it would still be 11 months at the EARLIEST that anything I have could wear it. so more then likely i have another year/ year and a half! can you believe that??? i have been living my life in anticipation of the birth of my child since i brought it up to dh new year's eve 2005- that's 3 years. he made me wait until 2007 to try and now i'm looking at it being 2 years from that point before i have a baby- if then? and the only thing i can wonder is- where in the hell have the last 3 years gone? i mean, it hasn't all been about baby, but the last year has been. I really am waiting for godot here. Could I really just forget about it and move on at this point though? I'm really just in too deep to quit. grrrr. i loathe dh sometimes for making me wait, but then again if i would have known it was going to take so long, i wouldn't have bothered bringing it up that early in the first place. i'm really getting impatient at this point!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I paid $800 for WHAT!!!
Okay. I have been SOOOO good today. Yesterday was an emotionally horrible day because my hormones are still regulating themselves, but after a LOT of tlc from dh I actually studied about 6 hours today (in 2 hours intervals with an hour break in between- slow and steady). I did 50 criminal law multiple choice and 33 constitutional law questions (which i rocked out on). Anyway, as I was reading the answers to the questions that I missed I couldn't help but notice tons of spelling errors and hyphenated words in the middle of sentences and the WORST- wrong answers. Now, I know I am not the brightest bulb in the room, but people don't pay me $1100 for accuracy (yet). The hyphenations I will give them- maybe they moved a word around and it reconfigured the spacing, no big deal, but to give students the wrong answers!!!! I don't know if i should be proud of the fact that I knew for a fact the answer was wrong or if I should be scared that there are other wrong answers I can't pick out. lol. I am sooo happy that I found my study groove! Thank God for the bar!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Lesson #2...you can't fit 3 months of studying into 5 weeks
My bar examine is in 5 weeks and with all the crap that's being going on recently I've really slacked off on studying. I think at this point i am just overwhelmed with the concept of studying and am thus not studying. My friends are all urging me to get out this saturday and i can't make up my mind if that is a really good idea or not...drinking and riverboating sound great now, but do i really want to risk having to take this blasted thing a 4th time???
Monday, January 19, 2009
Lesson #1... If it sounds too good to be true...
Then it probably is...
I have heard this my entire life, but it was not until this month that I realized that this statement is always true. ALWAYS! For example, my very wonderful, loving and supportive husband and I decided in October of 2007 that New Year's Eve of 2008 would be the kick off to starting our family. I had literally been bugging the crap out of my husband for a baby for about a year and a half at that point and he always argued that we couldn't start trying until after I finished law school and blah blah blah... I think deep down I always felt as if we would have issues getting pregnant. I didn't know why, I had always had fairly regular cycles and my husband is in good health but since I first mentioned it to dh I have been able to feel the sword of Damocles swinging over my head. 10 months passed...still no baby and what was worse was that my cycles never went back to normal after I went off of my birth control. So I went to my doctor with my overly-elaborate temperature charts and begged her to check my thyroid, my bloodwork anything to figure out what was going on. [Okay- at this point, I may sound really uptight and nervous, which I am, but you must understand that I come from an overly-fertile family. I mean, I have 3 cousins with 9 kids under the age of 7. We are a highly productive lot. According to the rules and regulations of my family I am not only 7 years behind in my baby production but I should also be able to get pregnant when my husband looks at me.]
After my doctor realized that I had never had any blood work done on me before, she decided she would "do the right thing", especially since she herself had drank from Ixchel's chalise and was a swelling 7 months into her pregnancy, and send me in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed signs of PCOS and I was referred to a reproductive endinocrinologist who took one look at me, wrote me out a script for Clomid, patted me on the head and sent me on my way.
You're thinking okay...what is your point and where is your lesson... This past November/December was literally one of the best months of my life. We planned a wonderful vacation to Disney and Cocoa Beach and my Clomid worked like a champ. After 11 months of negatives we were very surprised that it worked. I had implantation cramping on 12/12- the 4 year anniversary of the day that dh proposed to me. We got a bfp on 12/15 and decided that it would be a wonderful Christmas present to tell our parents (who subsequently told everyone else in the family) that they were going to be grandparents. I couldn't have written the story better if I had been God myself. I had literally never been that happy. It was too good to be true.
And in fact it was. On New Year's Eve, the other shoe fell. Our first fetal ultrasound showed a beautiful gestational sac and a yolk sac and no heartbeat. The next week we found the same only our hopes grew due to the development of a fetal pole only to be crushed again last week when the doctor looked at me and told me that the odds of this baby developing into anything that I would go on to successfully deliever were absolutely 0. He once again wrote me out a prescription. This time for a pill called cytotech, which causes the inducement of labor and we lost our beautiful little bean this past Saturday.
I think at this point, I can abandon most of the grief I have left in preparation for my bar exam in 5.5 weeks, but I sit here looking at another year. Another year of trying to have something that so many other people in the world take for granted. Another round or two or three or twelve of pills. Pills to knock me up, pills to cause me to go into labor and the thought of having to do this all over again just make my head spin. And the only thing that scares me more then having to do all of that again is the fear that after I do all of that again, I will have to do all of this again...
I have heard this my entire life, but it was not until this month that I realized that this statement is always true. ALWAYS! For example, my very wonderful, loving and supportive husband and I decided in October of 2007 that New Year's Eve of 2008 would be the kick off to starting our family. I had literally been bugging the crap out of my husband for a baby for about a year and a half at that point and he always argued that we couldn't start trying until after I finished law school and blah blah blah... I think deep down I always felt as if we would have issues getting pregnant. I didn't know why, I had always had fairly regular cycles and my husband is in good health but since I first mentioned it to dh I have been able to feel the sword of Damocles swinging over my head. 10 months passed...still no baby and what was worse was that my cycles never went back to normal after I went off of my birth control. So I went to my doctor with my overly-elaborate temperature charts and begged her to check my thyroid, my bloodwork anything to figure out what was going on. [Okay- at this point, I may sound really uptight and nervous, which I am, but you must understand that I come from an overly-fertile family. I mean, I have 3 cousins with 9 kids under the age of 7. We are a highly productive lot. According to the rules and regulations of my family I am not only 7 years behind in my baby production but I should also be able to get pregnant when my husband looks at me.]
After my doctor realized that I had never had any blood work done on me before, she decided she would "do the right thing", especially since she herself had drank from Ixchel's chalise and was a swelling 7 months into her pregnancy, and send me in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed signs of PCOS and I was referred to a reproductive endinocrinologist who took one look at me, wrote me out a script for Clomid, patted me on the head and sent me on my way.
You're thinking okay...what is your point and where is your lesson... This past November/December was literally one of the best months of my life. We planned a wonderful vacation to Disney and Cocoa Beach and my Clomid worked like a champ. After 11 months of negatives we were very surprised that it worked. I had implantation cramping on 12/12- the 4 year anniversary of the day that dh proposed to me. We got a bfp on 12/15 and decided that it would be a wonderful Christmas present to tell our parents (who subsequently told everyone else in the family) that they were going to be grandparents. I couldn't have written the story better if I had been God myself. I had literally never been that happy. It was too good to be true.
And in fact it was. On New Year's Eve, the other shoe fell. Our first fetal ultrasound showed a beautiful gestational sac and a yolk sac and no heartbeat. The next week we found the same only our hopes grew due to the development of a fetal pole only to be crushed again last week when the doctor looked at me and told me that the odds of this baby developing into anything that I would go on to successfully deliever were absolutely 0. He once again wrote me out a prescription. This time for a pill called cytotech, which causes the inducement of labor and we lost our beautiful little bean this past Saturday.
I think at this point, I can abandon most of the grief I have left in preparation for my bar exam in 5.5 weeks, but I sit here looking at another year. Another year of trying to have something that so many other people in the world take for granted. Another round or two or three or twelve of pills. Pills to knock me up, pills to cause me to go into labor and the thought of having to do this all over again just make my head spin. And the only thing that scares me more then having to do all of that again is the fear that after I do all of that again, I will have to do all of this again...
I explained it to my mother, as I will to you...
I don't think you should have to name your baby when it's born. I think a person's name is something that should attain in their search for self-discovery. Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple, but as to what definition she wishes to project on the child still baffles me. Is she named after the beautiful fair weather fruit with the impenetrable skin or does she wish that her daughter grow up to possess the symbol of the first temptation of man? Who knows. For 27 years I have been "Dana", but if there is anything I have learned in my search to find myself it's that my parents chose the wrong name for their child. They should have named me "Almost". I've always said this jokingly, but the lessons of the last few years of my life have proven that I may be right. I think that eventually you will agree.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)