Houston...we have laughter

FINALLY!!!! Someone in this world thinks i'm funny!!!! My daughter may only be 14 weeks old but she's brillant! There's a little spot that i can kiss on her rib cage and she just laughs...it's absolutely precious. I haven't updated my blog since I went back to work but that's because life has gotten hectic. James is home and is using this as a 9 week video game fest- which means- thank god my baby isn't crawling because she'd have no where to go. There's junk everywhere. So instead of 1 baby, i have two! And the funny thing is that my first friday back at my new job i got a phone call from the state wanting me to interview for a state attorney's position. So i'm doing a baaaddd thing. I asked off of work for thursday afternoon to go to this job interview. Getting this job would be a huge opportunity for us, but it comes for some major issues

1) the job is an hour away from our apartment and with James still in school that means that I am either up for 2 hours on the road 5 days a week or that Amelia and I will have to move in with my inlaws during the week.... which begs another question

2) if I don't take amelia to sleep at my inlaws during the week and i chose to commute this means not seeing my child for about 11 hours a day, but with this being a state job i am guaranteed almost one federal holiday a month

either way this means that basically if i take this job what I'm coming home to now is going to be the norm- a baby that is so tired of sitting in her chair watching her father play games all day that she won't let me put her down and a house that i can't walk through. The truth stands that dh can't leave the university because he'll have to pay for his classes which means he at least has to stay on campus. I can't stand the thought of amelia only seeing her daddy on the weekends but the financial bump this job would give us would put us that much closer to building our house. i have no idea what to do....pray for this to go well or pray that it doesn't... i guess the only thing i can do is put it in god's hands and pray he knows which way it should go.

Luck of the Irish!

St. Patrick is my new favorite saint. Why? Because last night Amelia slept from 11:30-4:45 in her crib!!!! I woke up at 3:30 and panicked because I hadn't heard from her, so I went to her room and there she was sleeping like a log. I do still worry sometimes about her sleeping in her room alone- I mean even with the sleep positioner. I went to get her one night last week and the little booger had rolled over the sleep positioner and was laying perpendicular to it with her feet in the air. Then a couple of nights ago I went to get her and she had shimmed all the way down the position and had her foot hanging out between the bars of the crib. I'm starting to think I should get a breathable bumper just to keep her appendages inside the crib. I really hope this isn't a fluke. I've been working hard to put her on a schedule before I go back to work next week (suck). As of now, she gets up, I change her, she eats and then plays for about an hour and a half and is out again. This routine continues until about 5 when she gets UP. We're still fighting the 8 or 9 pm 40 minute nap monster. Starting at 8, we have bath, bottle, snuggle and she's out. Most of the time she's up 40 minutes later and stays up til about 11 or 12. What's funny is last night I decided to push the nighttime schedule back an hour and still at 9 oclock she was so fussy she passed out with no provocation, only of course to wake up 20 minutes later and stay up til 11:30. I will win.

Amelia's hot date

Today we put on our frills and went to see the Easter bunny! Amelia did so well with the concept of a giant version of one of her toys holding her. That being said our Easter bunny is a racket! First of all- Easter bunny was sitting there on his bench in front of a fan...I can give the man that, but Bunny man was twittering up til the point when I asked him where to put the baby. It was hilarious. I absolutely LOVED dressing her up in her shiny, frilly little dress. She, on the other hand, lost it after about 45 minutes. I got 45 minutes out of her though!

On a sleeping note, I'm cheating. I've started adding a tablespoon of cereal to her last bottle of the night. If I do that she sleeps 3 hours solid in her crib, primarily around 11-2. Unfortunately at her 2 oclock feeding I'm still having trouble getting her to go back into her crib. I tried 4 times last night before I passed out in the chair. We're getting there though. Unfortunately I have just a few days before I go back to work (a week from Friday). I swear it's like the march to the green mile. Everyday I dread it just that much more!

There she goes!

Is this rolling over...or falling with style?

oops!

Is probably what Amelia thought last night when she accidentally rolled over onto her back. She was on her belly for tummy time- holding her head up high like a big girl so i got up to get my camera and in slow mo the head went a little further to the right and a little more and then it was down and over she went! I was so proud. She, on the other hand, was pissed!

The state posted a job that I really want yesterday and I may have a decent shot at it. Keep us in your prayers- this would open up a whole different life for us. We could move to Morehead and build our house...Amelia could be close to her rapidly aging grandparents and James and I would be close to his parents as they enter their golden years. It would be about a 15k pay raise for me and it would qualify me for Obamas nifty loan repayment program. I know living in Morehead isn't exactly what I had in mind when I first went to law school but I'm rapidly learning that there are many different ways to be happy in life and very few of them are ways you imagined them when you were growing up.

happy birthday sammy!

Today was my godson's first birthday party! I consider Sammy my lucky charm. I was in the hospital a year ago holding him and his mom looks at me and says "go home and make him a girlfriend". My last period was 3 days later and 9 months after that Amelia was born. Sammy is himself a clomid baby. I spent the last week and a half making his mom a scrapbook as a gift and she loved it. I've seen her cry maybe twice in the last 5 years and she was definitely tearing up. I was so happy to do that for her though. I think being a fellow PCOS mom having the bond of infertility makes celebrating a baby's birthday that much sweeter. It was a wonderful day!

let's play good news...bad news...

Good news- as of last week my husband officially became a doctoral student at UK.
Bad news- unless I want to pay for it, this guarantees me at least three more year of dorm life...probably more considering it took the man 6 years to get his masters. The good news is that he has a lot of hours from his masters that he may be able to use for his doctorate. I'm very proud of him!

; (

My baby is growing way too quickly. I just read the lb lables on the 3-6 month clothes and realized that she's less than a pound away from being able to wear them. She probably already needs them length wise and her feet take up all of the space in the feet of her 0-3 month clothes...so I guess I'll be washing new clothes this weekend. I guess I'm getting sad because I realize I go back to work in 3 weeks. She's really started being expressive recently. And she laughs in her sleep.

Amelia-1 Mommy-0

Last night was our first night of trying to get Amelia to sleep in her crib. We purchased a sleep positioner to elevate her head and keep her from rolling over since she likes to sleep on her side. I started our bedtime routine- bath, bottle, story, rock and was moving in for the kill. I laid her down in her crib and NOTTA for about 30 minutes...then she woke up. I rocked her for a minute or two and then put her back down. This last til 1:30 am when I gave up and put her in the bed with me (on her sleep positioner though) . At that point my little stinker looked at me and just started grinning and smiling. It was so cute. But I know she was laying there looking at me going "hahaha Sucker!" Tonight is round 2. I go back to work on the 26th- I have 23 days to get her into the crib. My marriage is a bit strained because of our sleeping arrangements. James is pretty much no help and there is very little room for error left around him. Last night I was playing with her on her playmat and her music machine fell over and bopped her in the head and James just absolutely flipped. So she's screaming, he's panicking...and then later when we put her back in her bed and she wouldn't stay he goes - "well maybe she's just afraid she's going to get hurt"....yes because I intentionally hit my child with her music machine. What a turd. If he only knew how hard it was to be a parent (and not the kind that holds the baby while he plays WOW) he'd have a lot more appreciation for what I do. His turn is coming and given his lack of involvement since that kid died on campus and he started his little slump I think it's going to be a very rude awakening for him.

god's path

Do you ever feel as if god is not only trying to direct you in a path but that he is determined to force you to take a given path? Case in point- i go back from leave in 3 weeks. I have spent my entire break applying for law jobs. I just spent $200 to pick up my malpractice insurance so I could start taking GAL cases and guess what- not only have I yet to get an interview but there are no gal positions open in my area. This morning, however, my boss's boss contacted me to tell me that they are moving me to the main hospital when I go back and that within 2 months I would be full time...that means benefits...that means retirement...and that means that I will work at a publically funded institution that qualifies me for Obama's fancy loan forgiveness program and it means that in 5 years they will start matching my retirement 2-1. It's kinda hard to be disappointed in not finding a job in my field when my office is literally a few steps from my office and they said that if any GAL positions become open that they would allow me to take a few cases on the side.

renewal

Last night we left Amelia with my sil and went to the gambling boat outside of Cincinnati. Though the placed was PACKED we had such a great time. As my friends and I gambled away our budgeted money (James and I were ballin' high- we took $30 to spend and came home with $31- ballas, i tell you) we watched in absolute horror as the people around us were literally dumping $100 bills into penny slots. Now, I love the Wizard of Oz slot machine. It's a lot of fun. There were only 3 of them on the boat. I watched one couple put $100 into the machine before they gave up and I thought they spent a fortune...until this little man sat down beside me and started out with $100. When that was gone, I thought (and the woman waiting for his seat thought) that he was done...no...he was just standing up to get another $100 bill...he did this 6 times and lost it all. $600 into a penny slot. gone. The man on the other side of me put $400 into the monopoly machine. That's $1000 folks. I was flabbergasted. I can't imagine doing that. We did have a lot of fun. For one night I felt like my normal self. I came home though and could hear my poor baby screaming through the back door. She missed me. lol. I picked her up and she stopped but today she's slept a lot. I'm afraid she's fighting something off. Tomorrow is shot day. I hope it goes well!

birthday blues

Yesterday I turned 29. It was actually one of the best birthdays I've had since I got married. For the past 5 years James has either been sick or gone on a trip or I've been studying for the bar on my birthday so yesterday I had high expectations. I was rocking Amelia thinking this time last year I never thought I would be a mom or an attorney. This year was a completely different story! Unfortunately I realized that I need to teach James how to do birthdays. He said growing up it was not a big deal, whereas I counted down days til my birthday being that it was the only gift giving occassion in my family other than Christmas. But yesterday I had no gifts, no cake...notta. We had dinner with our urban family (wednesday night is always urban family dinner night) and we came home and Amelia peed on me. At least she got me something! I can't wait until Saturday though, because even though James isn't birthday prepared we have arranged for my sil to watch Amelia so we can go to Cincinnati and go to the gambling boat! I'm looking forward to wearing something that's not blue jeans or pjs and shaving my legs. I think it will help with the Vegas itch I've been suffering for the last few weeks.

On the Amelia note, her 8 week check up and shots are on Monday. I plan on asking about reflux. Every time I lay her down after I burp her she spits up. It goes up into her nose and then she wheezes for a while. She's a smart little booger though. Everytime I lay her down she rolls onto her side. She has also found her hands and uses them as chew toys.

A little experiment...

Amelia seems to be hungry all the time and after much concern following her sleep schedule at my mother's we decided to try a little rice cereal last night. Our attempt was not well received at first but after a few bites she was slurping it up like a pro. I only gave her a teaspoon to see how she would tolerate it and she slept hard for about an hour and then got up to her usual wailing. I think that her nap in the car yesterday really threw her off so I have tried to keep her from having prolonged naps today in hopes that it will help tonight. We will go for round two!

Big weekend

I took Amelia to my mother's house this past weekend. 2.5 hours away by myself- needless to say I was nervous but pleasantly surprised. After I got through the stop and go traffic and onto the interstate she stopped crying and slept the whole way there and the whole way back. We were able to visit my stepgrandparents and my grandmother (on my mom's side). We literally ran all over the holler. Amelia's sleep schedule was put off by the trip- with 2 2.5 hour naps during the day she was literally up about every two hours at night, if she made it two. My sisters though are terrific aunts. Caroline (11) was a champion diaper changer and Amelia loved playing with her. Poor Becca though is only 9 and she tried but she has less coordination and just jostled poor Amelia til she cried. It was great trip. I got more unsolicited advice in 4 days than I have in the past 8 weeks but that was to be expected. Amelia tends to look toward her right. My grandmother told me that if I didn't fix it, it'd always be like that- you know because there are tons of people in this world that never figure out how to turn their heads. They just walk around in circles. My mother is still horrified by the concept of breastfeeding. We were in the car on our way back to town and Amelia was screaming because she was starving. Of course, being surrounded by my entire family I was too embarrassed to excuse myself long enough to pump so I had to feed her in the car in front of my 9 year old sister. The lactation consultant was right...if a baby is hungry enough it'll latch. It was dark so it's not like Becca saw anything overly graphic but my was mortified over the fact that she had to explain to Becca that mommies can feed babies from their boobs. The funny thing is that my cousin was asking me about it and said that one of her friends did it. She asked her 2.5 year old what baby Chaney ate and Kinsley said "boobie"...so it's okay that my 2.5 year old cousin knows but my sister at 9 still doesn't know what boobs are for. I forgot how sheltered I was growing up.

i can do this in my sleep (literally)

Tonight makes the 3 night in the past two weeks that I've passed out in the chair while feeding Amelia. I'll get up at her 2 oclock feedings- we tend to get up around 2,4,6, and 8- and then she'll start to fuss so i'll get up to put her down and she won't go back to sleep and starts to root. I look down at my clock only to discover that it's 4 am. Here I am trying to put her down and she's already ready for another feeding. I literally time travel. Unfortunately for me, it's 5:30 and Amelia has decided it's play time. I don't mind though, because I know she'll go back to sleep here shortly and sleep until 10 or 11 oclock. My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I think that after we get back from "the boat" I'm going to ask James to take her for the night. Even if I do have to get up once to pump, it'll be worth it!

Also, I can't wait til spring. Normally, i'm not one to wish my winters away because I hate the humid summers we have here, but I can't leave the house. On one hand, i'm thankful because I don't HAVE to leave the house, but on the other I'm going nuts staring at the walls. I told James tonight though that I bet there will be a TON of babies born this November because of the sheer volume of snow that we've had. Since we've had Amelia at least 5 of our Kentucky friends have discovered they were expecting. We know of at least 4 couples who are trying. I still think it's funny though because they all assume they are having boys. I don't get it. If one more of them says that they don't want a girl I'm going to smack them. You don't get to pick. What's the big obsession in Kentucky about having boys anyway? I can't imagine my life without Amelia and i'm really looking forward to the tea parties and the dress up and I love all of the cute little girl clothes that she wears. Oh well! It's their loss! Or at least they think it will be.

week 6

is SOOO much better than week 5. lol. it's true. every week gets a little easier. We are no longer spending the entire night in the recliner. Amelia starts off with a 3.5 hour stint in either her cradle (which we elevated the head on due to her congestion- put a pillow under the mattress to keep it soft) and then we either move to the guest bed or the recliner. Not quite so much on the crib yet, but I'm taking steps everyday to get her familar with the concept. I bought her a Mommy bear (with the heartbeat) and i turn it on for her and place it by her head. somehow she always winds up wiggling to where here head is between the bear's legs. She's also smiling now and starting to "interact"/become familar with her toys. She has a little doll with brown pigtails (a la Eileen) and we play Grover's famous Near and Far game with it. She is also fond of talking to her mobile. I need to get this on video tape. She'll be grown before I know it.

This week also lead to our first fever. I thought she was warm yesterday and I got up the courage to take her temperature rectally- 100.3. -100.4 is automatic hospitalization here, so I took her straight to the dr and apparently where she had the sniffles recently it had started to move into her ear and an infection was settling in. So we're choking down our first round of antibiotics. She seems to be feeling better though- she's definitely been happier since we started on them.

Tearjerkers...

I have been really lucky so far to not have ppd, however there are always certain things on television that make me well up.

1) that stupid Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercial- i literally have to turn the channel. I can watch all of the save the children commercials in the world, but show me one weepy eyed sick dog and I'm done for.

2) The Eukanuba dog show. It was actually on tonight. Good thing it only comes on once a year because in our house I well up so many times during that 3 hour period you would think that the dogs that didn't win were euthanized.

3) The Dan Jansen Olympics commercial...actually any of those motivating Olympic commercials- i think a couple of years ago it was Jesse Owen

4) The Little League World Series- I can't watch it. When you grow up in a rural part of the state when kids sports are the be all end all of many parents lives, you can't do it. I know one too many kids that got their asses beat when they were growing up because they lost a game or made a technical error in a game. Fortunately I was not one of those kids and now we have church league for everything so my sisters don't have to go through it.

I know there are more, I just can't think of them.

I am learning....

that not every attorney in the world is on maternity leave...so I sit and wait for my phone to ring -expecting the other attorney to call me back I am realizing that he probably has other cases. Man I don't want this to go to court. Primarily because I hate losing! And since the clients are my friends, I would really hate losing. I have discovered my primary pet peeve though. I hate it when people tell other people that they've talked to an attorney and the attorney said x,y and z. case in point, the landlady in this case said that she had talked to her attorney and he had promised her that he could garnish my clients wages. When I called her to get her attorney's wages- she had not even retained one yet. uggg- this, my friends, is why i only want to practice children's law. it's so much better than dealing with adults that act as children.

On the brighter side of the news- I am now down 34 lbs! I have about 60 left to go before I'm back where I want to be (I gained a LOT of weight after I went off my bc and started studying for the bar). Amelia is growing everyday. She smiles now! I'm sure it's still gas, but I always smile back so as to encourage her. Still not sleeping in her crib, but we did sleep in the guest bed last night for about 3 hours. Score! She's also now sleeping in 3 hour stretches. Most of the time she goes to sleep for good around 11. So we get up around 2, 4:30-5 and then most of the time at her 4 am bottle she won't eat enough to cover her (or like last night, i'm in such a daze i forget to feed her- i realized it eventually before she goes back to sleep, sometimes it just takes a minute) and she'll get up about 7:30 or 8 and then sleeps til about 10.

I've had to set restrictions to keep from worrying myself to death over this case. I only work when Amelia naps. I don't want to go back to work and realize I spent my whole maternity leave researching a losing battle. Why did I take this case again?

so nauseous

I am in the process of my first official case. It's actually a landlord tenant issue I'm handling for one of my friends. The only thing I've discovered is that I am starting to question my intestional fortitude concerning practicing law. So many threats and bluffs, I really just want to puke everywhere.

week 5 update

People are right...It does get easier! We have not had a midnight screaming fit in 5 days! Apparently that is something that Amelia thinks only "little" babies do. I'm not complaining. As of last night we are still sleeping in the recliner but that's because Amelia has her first cold! No fever, thank goodness, but between the weather changing and the slew of visitors we have had over the last couple of weeks, no wonder. She's currently napping in her mattress elevated crib (lol- thanks for that one Miranda) and hopefully we can start miracle blanket training in a couple of days. I had a stroke of genius about 2 am last night. The little noses rub says not to put it on babies younger than three months...so since she's sleeping on me in the chair, I put it on my chest under my shirt and let her sleep in her usual sternum position. I thought it was pretty damn brilliant if i do say so myself- all the medicinal smells with none of the rash!

a three post kinda day

i don't think i've ever posted three in a day, but I had to give an update on the job that I got a phone call from. i thought i was applying for a law clerk position posted on monster however the job wasn't a direct post from monster it was through a staffing firm and that was who called me. So, I googled the staffing firm and found TONS of negative reviews about how the firm operates. I thought the email they sent me was odd, because they told me that I needed two forms of id and two supervisory references. Mind you, there were 3 references on my resume already. So when I googled them I discovered that the reason they make you bring in the additional references is not because they check the references but because they take the references' contact information and use it to try to sell their temp services. So, to make a long story short I'm not going. I'm not ready to return to work anyway- as bored as I am, AMelia is only a month old- i still have 2 months before James starts his paternity leave. So- i guess its back to the drawing board!

ok that was funny

i was getting ready to finish up my last post by whining about how difficult it was to find a job using only on-line websites and i got a phone call from someone i put an application in for...now i've shot myself in the foot because i hadn't planned on going back to work until the end of march and they sounded like they needed someone yesterday. advice?

standing at the crossroads...

should i stay or should i go?

Let the 2010 job hunt begin! At 4 wks postpartum, I have gone from zombified baby servant to used to former "used to lack of sleep because of law school finals" lazarused resurrected self. Ie- i'm bored. It still baffles me how I can literally work all day on the house and not seem to get anything done...of course my 30 amelia breaks probably don't help. My current obsession is finding a new job. James got his first check after adding Amelia to his insurance and after that he's going to make about $60/month more than I do...which in all honesty, he bitches and moans about paying for my health care, but I have great health care...i mean having amelia cost us $150. total. That being said, he's very good at making me feel like I'm such a drain. I don't know what his deal is we have no bills except cell phone and car insurance. I busted my butt while I was pregnant and paid off our car and our two credit cards so that this wouldn't happen, but I guess he's going to whine no matter what. Therefore I started applying for jobs en masse today and will continue until someone hires me. I still have the offer to go back to my old job at the end of march and I think they'll allow me to take GAL cases which would be an excellent way for me to start my own practice..

toothless, barefoot and in the kitchen

fortunately i'm not pregnant anymore so i cannot fully complete the ky stereotype. I had to go to the dentist this morning and they pulled one of my teeth to put in an implant. Apparently the little cavity that I had last time manifested itself into some kind of tooth warfare. Amelia is having a growth spurt- she's been eating a LOT and sleeping a LOT! fortunately the midnight screaming has stopped the past couple of nights but for some odd reason she has trouble going back to bed after her 4 am bottle. I can't believe my baby will be a month old this week!

long nights, short days

I am not the best at troubleshooting but i think i've decided that Amelia doesn't have colic, she has her days and nights mixed up. I've been bouncing back between the two options for a week, but after last night's rendezvous with the rocker, I think my current conclusion is correct. First she slept from 9-12 ate and then was up til 2:30. She then slept until 4:45 and was up til 6. Then up again at 8 and since i was tired of sleeping in the recliner i kicked James out of the bed and Amelia and I co-slept for the first time. #1)this isn't a habit I want to start and #2) I first tried to sleep with her in the guest bed and she didn't like it...i don't know what the difference is to a 3 week old but i think it's funny that there is a difference to her. When the nights get long or she gets really fussy I keep myself motivated by listing what I love about her and thinking about the work it took to get her here and it makes it a lot easier. On the sadder news, i broke my camera, so until i get a new one or bum my friends I can't put up any pictures. This is sad because I have footage of my favorite amelia moment- Amelia snores!!!! It's SO cute. Just little baby snores but still!!!

week 3...

Someone once told me that every week of babyhood gets a little easier and thus far they are right. Amelia turned 3 weeks old yesterday. I can't believe it- she's growing so fast and my maternity leave is slipping through my fingers. That being said, it is getting easier. My mom came into town this weekend to watch Amelia and James and I went out and went shopping and had dinner with friends. We bought her a bathtub and James gave her her first tub bath! She didn't scream like she does with her normal wipe down, she seemed to really like it. To top it off both Sunday and Monday mornings when she got up at 8 i was able to give the baby to my mom and go back to bed for a couple of hours. It was blissful. On the downside, my free weight loss is over- i'm going to have to start working for it now.

you won't like me when I'm angry

Yesterday I went to Sears to pick up Amelia's newborn pictures and they had a sale for 5 sheets for $15 so of course I ordered more and the clerk said they would be back on the 28th. I said that was great because my daughter's one month birthday would be the 28th and I could get her one month pictures done...and then the clerk looked at me and said- "oh- you're going to be one of THOSE moms"..."well, just to let you know having your baby's picture taken every month is a waste of money because all the poses are the same". Thus prompting a follow up email to sears where I very briefly stated that if after 2 years of ttc I wanted to be one of "those moms" i would be and that if sears as a corporation couldn't realize how big of a cash cow "those moms" are for their business during this economy then maybe my business and that of my friends should look to JCPenny's or private photographers for all of our professional portrait needs. lmao. what a whore.

Week 2

Things are looking better here on Walton's Mountain. My milk supply is keeping up despite the warnings from friends on the board that it wasn't as good as nursing and I am having some luck getting Amelia to latch when she's stressed. I'm not complaining. I've started actively hunting for jobs after last week's impromptu phone interview that I botched (they woke me up after being up half the night). Other then that things are getting easier. Amelia is still sleeping about 20 hours a day which frees up a lot of time. James is petering out on me with the staying up with the baby bit after she turned his last endeavor to "take care of her while I slept" into a blindfolded trip down the Ho Chi Minh but aside from that, it's not bad...actually it's almost a little boring. I don't have a lot of physical recovery to do so i've been doing a lot of housework. And I've lost 27 lbs in 2 weeks. thank you amelia. I feel a little out of touch with my irl friends but i figured that would happen as i'm not overly close them. In the last week, I've successfully applied for 5 jobs and wonder why cover letters are necessary. I mean, it's obvious I want the job. I know no one reads cover letters. So, why are they so hard to write? I've also watched all of season 3 of big love and half of the john adams' hbo miniseries. I'm going through what I refer to as "new mom guilt"....literally all i want to do is hold and rock my baby but my mom's voice in my head tells me to put her down and let her be. So i feel guilty for holding her and put her in her bouncy seat or on her play mat and then i feel bad for laying her down. lmao. i'm sure I'll adjust. I guess maternity leave is really just a way to wean yourself away from being pregnant and having 24-7 baby access

turning myself in...

I think my confession would make some of the girls on my board gasp- Amelia is never going to learn to breastfeed. I talked to 5, count them 5, lactation consultants in the hospital who all told me different things- one who told me to feed my baby through a SYRINGE!!!! We even went to the lc yesterday and you know when my little booger is there with an lc she can latch on and eat like a champ. We came home yesterday and the lc had told me not to give her another bottle (before my milk came in i was offering the breast and then pumping and giving what was left and a couple of times had to add a little formula-shhhh) and that she would cry for a couple of days and then get over it and go back to the breast... I was all gung ho for this until we got home and she actually not just cried but screamed for about 7 hours (only stopping to sleep and latch for 5 minutes every now and then). By the time James' got home i was frazzled. We talked about it and though we both really want this to work we realize that not every baby is meant to be a champion breastfeeder and that as long as she's getting the breast milk we will be happy but that neither of us want our child to go hungry just to force her to do something. I mean I go back to work in 10 weeks anyway and she'll have to be almost strictly bottle then anyway, so trying to force her back onto the breast when i'm only going to take her off of it seems impractical. I guess I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not a horrible mother because this isn't working for us. I will continue to offer the nursing first but can't put myself or the baby through the torture of forcing her back on. Allowing my child to go hungry goes against every instinct I have even the one that tells me that I should be nursing. So there, don't tell on me because you all know some of the girls on our board would go off, but that is my big secret.

Amelia's first week

I'm not going to say it has been easy...actually there have been a couple of times when I have messaged friends that have more than one child and asked them how they even functioned. That being said, James and I are both completely in love with Amelia. We were dismissed from the hospital Wednesday night at 5:30. We had to take her back to the dr Wednesday-Saturday for a bili check and a weigh in. She was born at 7.3, dismissed at 7lbs and got down to 6.9- primarily because my milk would just NOT come in. We had to give her some formula and then after some botched advice from the lactation consultant fed her with a syringe for the first night. My milk finally came in friday which is when the dr told us to nurse, then pump and offer the bottle. BIG mistake. Now I can't get Amelia to latch. I'm working on it though. As of now most of are feedings are pumped breast milk. James is such a terrific father. He feeds her and loves on her and has spent most of the week singing "there's my daughter in the water". I'm pretty sure he got my ppd though because I've seen him cry several times over the past week. I personally am feeling great (asides from a little sleep deprivation and random tingling) and am learning all the things that people should tell you about newborns that they didn't tell us. such as

1) unless your baby is a premie, you don't have to feed them with a medicine dropper
2) they will go back to breastmilk if you give them formula a couple of times. You don't have to beat yourself up over it.
3) always pump before you shower or your milk will let down and you'll have to bath again
4) when your milk comes in, it goes every where
5) you will spend the first week of your baby's life evaluating stool
6) if you have a little girl, her estrogen levels drop after she separates from you and will have discharge and spotting (btw-freaked us out).

I'm sure there will be more to add to the list as I progress.

The birth story...

Man. I am BEHIND! I have never been this happy to be this exhausted. lmao. Amelia's birth went fairly well. We went in Sunday night Dec 27th and the drs decided that cytotech (my old friend) would be the best way to ripen my cervix for delivery. They did 3 25mg doses (midnight, 3 and 6) and by 6 am i was only 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced and Amelia's heart rate started to drop drastically because the contractions were coming too quick to give her a break to recover. So they gave me a shot of something to stop my contractions and then decided that the best way to get me to dilate was to use a foley balloon (think cervical angioplasty). At this point I had had like 6 people check me, which I'm sorry, but being checked is the worst part of labor (aside from the pushing) and I decided that if they were going to inflate a balloon in my area that I needed some drugs. Being assured that an epidural would not slow down pitocin induced labor, we went for it. They put the balloon in and i probably laid there until 11 just waiting for Amelia's heart rate to recover enough for them to feel comfortable starting the pitocin...which they did about 11 am. The dr came back before her 2 o'clock c section and removed the balloon and I was dilated 3.5!!! She decided to speed things along and broke my water only to discover TONS of meconium (which apparently is very common for 40 week babies). They said she probably did it that morning when her heart rate dropped. After she broke my water there was just a lot of waiting. In retrospect it went very quickly. James was a champ- he snuck me little sips of water in my ice chips because i was literally DYING of thirst. My 5 o'clock nurse said good bye and turned OFF my pitocin because the dr had a 6 oclock c-section and i was too close to pushing. The night nurse, who I still love, came back in at 6:30 and said that she thought I was ready, turned the pitocin back on and jacked it up. by 8 o'clock i was ready to push. The nurse told me she thought the baby would be out in about 45-1hr...boy did she LIE!!!! I told James I thought it would be 2-3 hours and she laughed at me. She laughed until she realized that the baby was still at -2. I had tons of energy the first hour and a half of delivery. I pushed like a pro but then I hit the wall. I got to the point where my cervix was swelling and the nurse spent half her time with her fingers in my cooch telling me to push them out and then sweeping the sides to make room for the baby. Plus they had a blood pressure cuff on my left arm that activated every 15 minutes and for some reason between the cuff and the fingers I lost it. I just started crying- not wailing but just tears. I never thought I was going to get this baby out. Finally the dr came in and we start really pushing hard. they brought the mirror in for me to see her head of hair coming out and in all honesty the only thing it did was discourage me so I asked them to take it away. lol. James, on the other hand, manned up enough to sneak a peak and found his motivation. He said "Honey we have HAIR....PUSH it out". lmao. The nurses told him afterward that he needed to quit his day job and become a doula because he was such an excellent coach. Finally I could feel her right at the bottom and I was exhausted. We started one last set of 3 contractions and the dr said that if i had one more I should go for it and i did and she came FLYING out- head, shoulders, everything in one giant whoosh. And then I freaked out...she wasn't crying. The dr said they didn;t want her to cry because of the meconium so they whisked her over to the peds closet and started working on her. The poor baby came into this world jaundice with a conehead worthy of SNL and covered in her own crap. I was fine as soon as the baby was out, but then it was James' turn to cry. We could see into the peds room where they were working on her and he just lost it. They took her to the main nursery and James followed my previous command of "no matter what happens to me if that baby leaves our sight, follow that kid" and he was gone. I finished delivery and they stitched me up- only a second degree tear- thanks a lot baby! And it was over. 25 hours and 32 minutes after we walked into the hospital. Best day of my life. The only thing I wanted after delivery was a real honest to GOD coke and James came in from the nursery with a coke. Best damn coke ever!