Reflections on 27...

On this, the eve of my 28th birthday, I've decided to spend my last hour of my 27th year to wish it a good friggin riddance. I've had "bad" years before. The loss of my first love at 20 may have been "heartbreaking" (as only college puppy love can be) and the death of my grandfather at 21 was rough, but good God- 27. A year ago tonight I laid in my bed daydreaming of how difference my life would be by the time I was 28- I would be an attorney with my big job and I'd be a mom or at least well into my pregnancy of becoming one. Well guess what! If I learned anything in my 27th year of being it was that there comes a point when apparently it is no longer safe to dream, when reality itself sucks you in and your realize that life isn't a fairy tale. So here I am, 2 bar exams failed and facing another and fearing another year of infertility and wishing that I could dream of what my life should be like by this time next year...a job, a baby, a house and knowing that it could quite possibly not be any better then it is now and resolving myself to accept that this is the best it could get. I can't do it. I'm not ready for it but dare I once again lay here and dream?

Giving it right back to them...

So as I've previously stated, my #1 coping mechanism with dealing with my miscarriage was to joke about it. The only problem is that dh and I are hopefully going to get to start again soon (if af would ever show) and my friends still cut the jokes. I have learned that the number one way to deal with these situations is to give it right back to them. For instance, my husband's best friend's wife (let's call them x and y) has an extremely jealous personality. she was a you know what about us getting pregnant and this past weekend one of our friends announced that he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him and she got PISSED. She's always saying how she doesn't think that the girlfriend will make him happy and yadayada. This from the same girl that cheated on her husband 4 weeks after she got married. Anyway so I told our friend that x and y have trouble dealing with major life changes. She desparately wants a baby, he's too scared that whole non-sense dance that people go through about a year before they start trying. And x got mad. Y had promised that she would buy me this children's book that I really wanted but said that she wouldn't get it for me until I actually had my baby (it was the first time I had ever had a 3rd party address the fact that I could miscarry and I was devastated). And I was explaining this to friend to which X replies "yeah, and i'm making 7% interest on that money I would've spent right now" (obviously- since I lost the baby they didn't have to buy me a book). At this point I get upset because they've never been pregnant, had to try to get pregnant, lose a baby or anything they just poke fun at the things that they themselves are afraid of. So, I just looked at him and said, "well, at least I know my husband is not shooting blanks." muh-hahaha. which in all honesty. i don't know that for sure because there are many causes to miscarriage but more IMPORTANTLY they don't know that because to them having babies is a tab A, slot B situation. X didn't say another thing about our baby or our friend's engagement for the rest of the night. Because apparently, when you find the spot on them that they have hit in you, they discover that they really shouldn't dish it out if they can't take it.

Rough weekend

I think that i have spent a majority of the weekend waiting on people in restaurants. Last night, dh and i went out to dinner since he's leaving town and will miss my birthday next week. We had literally just sat down when his phone rings. It's our friend whose wife is due next month and apparently dh had promised him that he would give him a ride to pick up his car (his wife was in the hospital with bp issues). I totally didn't mind because well, she's in the frigging hospital. Dh said, he'd be back in half an hour tops and I decided that since the kitchen was so backed up I would order and his food would be there and hot when he got back. MISTAKE 1... Dh didn't get back for TWO HOURS and the sad thing is that it wasn't his fault. His buddy picked rush hour first of all, to drive all the way out to his house and take his wife's car back. Shouldn't have taken them more then 45 minutes in heavy traffic except that they hit 2 wrecks. So I sat in the Mexican resturant for two hours. After the first hour, i called and asked him if he wanted me to put our order in and he said, sure no problem he'd be back in half an hour. an hour later... and the dumbest thing is that I had forgotten my cell so he had no way to reach me to tell me where he was or that I should just walk home. It was literally the longest night of my life. At an hour and a half, I decided to play, "hey let's run up my husband's bar tab while he's gone" and only made it to beer 3 before he got there. Darn. And the sad thing is that the waiter asked me like 6 times if i was sure he was coming back...like he stood me up or walked out on me. AND I was surrounded by families and after beer 3 I had just about had it. I think that's when I realized that we're just never going to get there. Our lives are such a mess right now, no wonder God's like "haha, just kidding." I mean, would you give a baby to Tipsy McStagger and the man voted "most likely to leave his unattended child in a hot car" (dh commonly forgets most appts- low blow, i know)? lol

On the lighter side of the note, my bar exam will be over again Thursday. I have low hopes this time, but I think that's the common scheme of my life right now. Hormones re-regulating, perchance?

i think i broke my butt bone...

seriously! i had a horrible sledding accident a couple of weeks ago (my sled hit a stump and i landed hard and slid the rest of the way down the hill on pretty much solid ice) and my tush STILL hurts. i'm laughing as i type this, but not that hard because it hurts. i am seriously worried about physically being able to sit through my exam next week. I mean...how do you even go to the dr to check for that. excuse me, dr, but i think i have a crack in my butt... um. i'm sure the sitting and studying for 9 hrs a day doesn't help matters. lol, but this is my weekly update. sad. the good news is that i don't have to go back to work until after my exam. the bad news is that i have a lot of studying i need to do. grrr.

is that a bag of cats???

okay, so i have learned that being 27 and living in a dorm of 19 year old college kids is not always conducive to studying for the bar. Such as tonight, as I was correcting my Contracts multiple choice questions (i got NAILED btw) I heard this horrible screeching noise. At first I thought it was a bad bearing in the air conditioning unit, but then it got louder and more screechy almost like someone was beating a bag of cats against my window. After about 15 minutes of trying to concentrate on seller's damages, i went out into the hallway and looked at a couple of the residents and asked them who was SCREAMING at 9:45...and they said that it was one of the girls in the hall practicing her opera... don't quit your day job kid, Simon will be sending you home shortly. So inspite of the screaming cats in the hallway and the wake up calls I have found 2 methods to help me make it through the next 2 weeks. 1) earplugs. god bless whoever invented these! and 2) booking our trip to Vegas next month. we were going to go on a cruise, but after I added the cost of traveling to the closest port of call from the big state of KY and our passports, a short cruise would have ran about $1200. Though I'm sure that's small potatoes to some people, I don't know how much more expensive this baby making is going to get. So instead, I found a deal where we can go to Vegas for a week for $600 for both of us (including air fare) so we're going to Vegas (secretly hoping to hit the "jackpot" while we're there if you know what i mean) and I have an extra $600 to spend on baby making fees... now that's good home economics.

STOP! step away from the baby clothes!

okay- dh and i tried for a year before we got preggo with m/c and in that time everytime i would get down i would let myself wander into the baby section of the store and by something for my future baby. Well, we were at Meijer tonight and i was SUPPOSED to be shopping for my friend whose baby shower was last week and i came across the sweetest little duck outfit that i wanted so bad, but i couldn't bring myself to buy it. I mean, it was $5, but I have 2 drawers full of baby stuff and still no baby to wear it. everyone tells me that I'm jinxing myself but i always figure that I can find someone to give it to if I never get to have one. This time I put it down and was able to say it's not really the outfit that I want but what goes in it and i realized that even if dh and i got pregnant in March, it would still be 11 months at the EARLIEST that anything I have could wear it. so more then likely i have another year/ year and a half! can you believe that??? i have been living my life in anticipation of the birth of my child since i brought it up to dh new year's eve 2005- that's 3 years. he made me wait until 2007 to try and now i'm looking at it being 2 years from that point before i have a baby- if then? and the only thing i can wonder is- where in the hell have the last 3 years gone? i mean, it hasn't all been about baby, but the last year has been. I really am waiting for godot here. Could I really just forget about it and move on at this point though? I'm really just in too deep to quit. grrrr. i loathe dh sometimes for making me wait, but then again if i would have known it was going to take so long, i wouldn't have bothered bringing it up that early in the first place. i'm really getting impatient at this point!

I paid $800 for WHAT!!!

Okay. I have been SOOOO good today. Yesterday was an emotionally horrible day because my hormones are still regulating themselves, but after a LOT of tlc from dh I actually studied about 6 hours today (in 2 hours intervals with an hour break in between- slow and steady). I did 50 criminal law multiple choice and 33 constitutional law questions (which i rocked out on). Anyway, as I was reading the answers to the questions that I missed I couldn't help but notice tons of spelling errors and hyphenated words in the middle of sentences and the WORST- wrong answers. Now, I know I am not the brightest bulb in the room, but people don't pay me $1100 for accuracy (yet). The hyphenations I will give them- maybe they moved a word around and it reconfigured the spacing, no big deal, but to give students the wrong answers!!!! I don't know if i should be proud of the fact that I knew for a fact the answer was wrong or if I should be scared that there are other wrong answers I can't pick out. lol. I am sooo happy that I found my study groove! Thank God for the bar!